Ghosting – the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

I haven’t written a blog post in almost a month now; not because I don’t have anything to say (type), but because I have so much I want to say (type), and just don’t know where to start.

I want to start by thanking friends, family, acquaintances for reaching out, attempting to keep me involved, the invites, the updates, the small talk.

While I am still present on social media, I have not really been “present”. I’ve been bad about staying in touch. I’ve been bad about responding to text messages, social media messages, etc.

It’s Not You, It’s me

Seriously, it’s me, and I’m sorry. I’m still learning and adjusting. I’m still consumed by all of the phone calls, paperwork, and appointments; a new way of life completely. My mind is always going. I dream almost every single night about Augustus. My thoughts are consumed. Maybe you’ve seen me out. I still end up going out sometimes after the kids are in bed and my husband is home. Sadly, it’s not so much about socializing as it is about forgetting. It’s about having a few drinks and trying to make things numb. It hasn’t gotten out of hand by any means, but it’s still something I’m doing that I know isn’t useful, but it’s what I’m doing. I’m stressed out. I’m overwhelmed. While I often talk (type) about all of the ways I KNOW are right to deal with stress and being overwhelmed; it is much easier said than done. I admit that. This is all new territory for me, and a territory few enter. I feel different. I find it hard to relate to others. I find myself reading blog posts from others in similar situations and crying. I don’t really know what I’m doing other than that I’m doing my best in not knowing what I’m doing. I know I’m being honest and hope that resonates with someone.

The Stings

As time goes on, it’s going to get better, and dare I say some things easier (?). I have a lot of friends and acquaintances with children around the same age as Augustus. I love seeing messages, videos, and posts about them. Even more, I love the rare chance we get to see each other in person, our children in tow. Although, I have to be honest and admit that it often stings. Something as simple as a friend’s little boy waving goodbye stings. Seeing a friend’s son start to say words stings. Some comments and questions sting. I know that no one person I have come across means any harm by anything they say or ask, but sometimes it stings. I have heard more than once now “Is this something he’s going to grow out of or get over?” No. No it’s not. This is permanent. It’s not something he can grow out of. It’s okay to not understand, but it’s not okay to keep asking this same question when I keep giving you the same answer. If I have to accept this, so do you if you are a part of my/Augustus’ life.


I do fear posting that last paragraph. I fear because I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you to keep reaching out and sharing your little ones’ milestones and achievements with me. I need them. I need you. I need you to keep me connected; to keep reaching out; to keep inviting me. I need you to help me stay out of Those Dark & Scary Places. Keep asking me questions! The only way to help spread awareness and acceptance is to answer questions. I want to answer anything you want to know about things personally or in general. Ask! Ask away. Nothing is off limits, except not accepting my answer. (Ha, but seriously…)

I share what’s hard in hopes that it will help you to understand why it might take me a few days to respond to that text or why I may choose not to attend an event, why I may seem distant. I’m trying. I really am. Adding to the mental confusion, overwhelm, and sting is the fact that I’m exhausted. I’m kind of just exhausted in every way. Trust me, communication is not the only thing I’m lacking in. I’ve been wearing my husband’s socks for two days because I don’t have any clean socks. I am busy, very busy, but it’s not that I don’t have time to do laundry, it’s just that sometimes I get in the place where all I want to do is relax and try to forget for a while. This would go back to the whole going out thing. Lately, though, I find myself trying to lose myself in a good book. I think that’s okay, although I know I’d be better off getting lost in THE Good Book.

Asking for Help

I know a lot of times people wonder why I don’t ask for help. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a very independent and prideful person. That’s still true, but I very quickly realized with life as it is currently, I have to overcome all that and ask for help, and I do. At the same time, it’s hard to ask for help because I don’t really know what I need help with because I don’t really even know what I’m doing. Does that even make sense? It does to me, but I would totally get it if it didn’t to you. Ha.

Why I Share

I kind of hit on this before, but I want to make it crystal clear that the reason I share is to HELP and to raise AWARENESS and ACCEPTANCE. I am not looking for pity or for you to feel sorry for me. We all live differently and are dealt different hands. The more we can all accept and advocate for one another the happier we will all be. All anyone wants is to be loved and accepted for who they are.

In Conclusion…

I still love you. I still cherish and appreciate our relationship. I need you to keep me present and reach out. That’s how you can help if you’d like to.


– AMom’sFaithUnbroken

PS There will be a Gus update to come. We are in the middle of a lot of things right now, and redoing our IFSP and starting some new therapy. I’ll share all of the details at a later date once we get it all figured out.

Low-Key Ghosting

He’s Just a Boy


My pregnancy with my son was my second pregnancy, and fairly uneventful. No fertility treatments like with the first. The first night my husband and I left our sweet first born overnight, we got pregnant with our second. She was just 6 months old at the time. It was a BIG surprise, but a very welcome one. We opted not to do the amniocentesis, as we had no reason to suspect developmental delays, as I was not of advanced maternal age, and nothing of the sort runs in my husband or my families. I did have some issues with weight loss early in my second pregnancy, but he was always on track or ahead of schedule regarding his size. I started to gain weight by month 5 or so, and gained less than 20 pounds total. I got huge, just in the uterus, and had a lot of problems with sciatica and low back pain. I was one crabby and crazy lady. I was very emotional and irrational; just ask my husband and sister. He was very active in utero and I was very ready for his arrival those last few months. My first pregnancy, I suffered from gestational diabetes. The second I did not. By the end of my second pregnancy, he was measuring WEEKS ahead. I was induced at 39+ weeks. He came into the world very quickly, in fact, I had to hold off on pushing until the doctor could get there. Before I knew it, I was holding my precious 8 lb 5 oz 19.7 inch, hungry baby boy.

The Beginning

We brought home a very alert and active baby boy. In the beginning, it was VERY hard having 2 little ones just 14 months apart. At the time we brought my son home, my daughter was not walking yet. Boy, it was a lot of work. We quickly got into a routine, and things were good. He was rolling over by 6 weeks (yes weeks) and then eventually began to army crawl and quickly moved onto crawling and walking. Can I just be really honest and admit that I don’t know what his first word was?With my daughter, I counted her first word as the first word she used in context, not just a random word she said. He got to a point where he was using a few words. He had even said “grandpa” and “grandma” at one point. He was, and still is, SUPER active. He was so different from our articulate and detail oriented daughter. He was always getting into things, climbing on furniture, stealing the TV remote, making messes, and always going full throttle full speed ahead at all times.

He’s Just a Boy

Eventually, I was starting to feel overwhelmed by his tendency to get into trouble. He just wouldn’t listen. In fact, 99% of the time he would just ignore me completely. He didn’t respond to any kind of discipline and just didn’t seem to care. I kept thinking “Are boys really this different than girls?” The answer to this is “yes”, but once he got older it became quite obvious that his behavior was not due to him “just being a boy”. I would express my concerns to others and would always hear “Amanda, he’s a boy!” In fact, I called a doctor to express my concerns and he was very kind and listened to my concerns but also mentioned “He is a boy.” Guess what? He’s not “Just a Boy.”


As noted before, I was worried about my son. He was not responding to discipline, I could not control him. I was in fact starting to feel like a bad parent. Yep, I felt like I was doing something wrong. Later my mommy instincts really kicked in and I just knew, absolutely knew, that something wasn’t right. I knew I wasn’t unfounded in my concern when one night my husband came home and said “I just don’t think he’s where he should be.” referring to our son. This was BIG because my husband works insanely long hours and doesn’t get to see the kids as often as we would like, and HE was noticing. We also started to notice that by 18 months he had basically quit talking altogether. The only words he was using were “ball” and “car” (still his only words used to this day). As I mentioned before, I called a doctor and was told that there could be something there, but because he had an older sister that never stopped talking that that could be part of it, but it was concerning that he wasn’t talking. He said we’d wait until his 2-year Well-Child exam and go from there. I of course consulted with Dr. Google and quickly realized that my son was showing almost all of the red flag signs of autism in a child his age.

His Signs

  • No eye contact.
  • Little to no words.
  • Not responding to his name.
  • Wondering if he was hard of hearing. (He seemed to be “ignoring” everyone.)
  • Preferring to be by himself.
  • No interest in other children.
  • Not smiling at others.
  • Speech Regression.
  • Flapping/Stimming (Moving his arms up and down rapidly and going up and down on tiptoes and also shaking his head back and forth while running around.
  • Seeming to be in his own world.
  • Bolting (Just running away without looking back.)
  • Fearlessness. (He will just dive into a body of water without even thinking about it.)
  • High pain tolerance.

He actually has more characteristics and signs that we noticed later on after learning more. He has also exhibited more symptoms as he’s gotten older as well. The above are just the things we were concerned about by his 2-year Well-Child exam.

More Signs

Since his 2-year Well-Baby exam we have started to notice more things:

  • Spinning. (He will randomly spin in circles.)
  • Not utilizing silverware.
  • Not liking haircuts or fingernail or toenail clipping. (Not like the average child, but to an extreme.)
  • Does not use gestures. (Such as reaching for someone to be held, shaking his head “yes” or “no”.)
  • Doesn’t point to things he wants.
  • Doesn’t wave “goodbye”. (He did do this in the past.)
  • Narrow focus on single objects.


We don’t have one yet. I’m going to do an entirely separate post on this because it’s confusing and frustrating.

I know this post may seem cutoff and unfinished, but it’s a long and confusing journey. For now I just wish to share what we noticed and caused concern.

-A Mom’s Faith Unbroken