We’ve all heard these or something similar…

  • “Get your ducks in a row.”
  • “Get your shit together.”
  • “Get your poop in a group.”
  • “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
  • “All things in moderation.”

Put simply, they are all a way of saying to “get it together” and find balance in your life.

Balance

Balance – a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.

Balance is my favorite word in the English language. If we can find it, we can live a meaningful and fulfilling life.

But why is it so hard to find, and even harder to maintain?

I can’t answer that. Can you? It’s something I have struggled with since as far back as I can remember.

I truly strive to go above and beyond in almost everything I do. My problem is that I get too focused on what is requiring the most attention at the time and fall behind on everything else, and my ducks start wandering off, get lost, and then there is a panic or pity party (sometimes both) generally leading to making things worse and creating more problems.

I know this about myself, I can see it; so why do I keep experiencing it in a continuous loop?

How can I fix this? Do I need to let a few ducks fly so I can focus more attention on the others? Can we truly “have it all”?

I don’t know. I think life is one big balancing act, and we spend most of our life trying to find our balance…and we lose our balance All. The. Time.

Unrealistic Expectations

It seems to be very common for people to reach a certain age and realize they are not where they expected to be or wanted to be and maybe don’t even have some of their ducks in the pond yet. That is normal, and it’s totally okay. I say that, I know that to be true, but I still struggle with it. We all do. The answer is in having the attitude and willpower to look at things realistically. The grass may be greener on the other side, but it also may be fertilized with bullshit. You see what I am saying?

We have to learn to expect the unexpected; and for people like me, that really sucks. I like plans and details and structure. Although it is happening slowly, I am learning to take a step back and let some things go for the sake of my (and others) sanity, although it is an everyday struggle. Things gnaw at the back of my mind, and sometimes instead of facing them and correcting them I find something else to focus on, even if it’s not a good thing, and I know in the back of my mind I am only making things worse.

Taking Steps in the Right Direction

I have often shared how overwhelmed I feel and that I sometimes feel like I am drowning. I am happy to say that I feel like I do have my head above water now, even if I do go back under here and there and have to come back up gasping for air. In other words, I still often lose focus and colossally mess up. I am pretty sure it will always be that way, but maybe we can get the “colossally” part out of there.

I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS

I am my own worst critic. I am very good at owning up to things and accepting consequences for my actions and being honest. Those are attributes I take pride in. What I am not good at is accepting that I make mistakes and mess up. I suffer with guilt, which is probably my least favorite of the human emotions.

Guilt vs Remorse

Guilt and remorse are very different.

Guilt is geared toward self. Guilt is paralyzing. Guilt is heavy. Guilt is fuel for self-destruction. Guilt is necessary, but nowhere you should stay.

Remorse is awareness. Remorse is aimed at the action that took place, not self. Remorse is where we need to transition to from guilt. Remorse is fuel for constructive action.

While I am good at showing remorse on the outside, I keep guilt on the inside, and if that doesn’t change it will eat me alive.

Forgiveness

I am not a bad person. I am a very empathetic person. I am human. I make mistakes. I own up to my actions the best I can. I am learning. I promise you that. Even if it takes making the same mistake one hundred times before I learn, I will get up, own my shit, make things right, learn, and Let. It. Go. Forgiving myself is the duck that needs to take some priority right now, but I will not let the other ducks run amuck.

Keep My Eye on the Prize

I’m forgiven. You’re forgiven. Now forgive yourself.

– AMomsFaithUnbroken

Herding Ducks

Ghosting – the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

I haven’t written a blog post in almost a month now; not because I don’t have anything to say (type), but because I have so much I want to say (type), and just don’t know where to start.

I want to start by thanking friends, family, acquaintances for reaching out, attempting to keep me involved, the invites, the updates, the small talk.

While I am still present on social media, I have not really been “present”. I’ve been bad about staying in touch. I’ve been bad about responding to text messages, social media messages, etc.

It’s Not You, It’s me

Seriously, it’s me, and I’m sorry. I’m still learning and adjusting. I’m still consumed by all of the phone calls, paperwork, and appointments; a new way of life completely. My mind is always going. I dream almost every single night about Augustus. My thoughts are consumed. Maybe you’ve seen me out. I still end up going out sometimes after the kids are in bed and my husband is home. Sadly, it’s not so much about socializing as it is about forgetting. It’s about having a few drinks and trying to make things numb. It hasn’t gotten out of hand by any means, but it’s still something I’m doing that I know isn’t useful, but it’s what I’m doing. I’m stressed out. I’m overwhelmed. While I often talk (type) about all of the ways I KNOW are right to deal with stress and being overwhelmed; it is much easier said than done. I admit that. This is all new territory for me, and a territory few enter. I feel different. I find it hard to relate to others. I find myself reading blog posts from others in similar situations and crying. I don’t really know what I’m doing other than that I’m doing my best in not knowing what I’m doing. I know I’m being honest and hope that resonates with someone.

The Stings

As time goes on, it’s going to get better, and dare I say some things easier (?). I have a lot of friends and acquaintances with children around the same age as Augustus. I love seeing messages, videos, and posts about them. Even more, I love the rare chance we get to see each other in person, our children in tow. Although, I have to be honest and admit that it often stings. Something as simple as a friend’s little boy waving goodbye stings. Seeing a friend’s son start to say words stings. Some comments and questions sting. I know that no one person I have come across means any harm by anything they say or ask, but sometimes it stings. I have heard more than once now “Is this something he’s going to grow out of or get over?” No. No it’s not. This is permanent. It’s not something he can grow out of. It’s okay to not understand, but it’s not okay to keep asking this same question when I keep giving you the same answer. If I have to accept this, so do you if you are a part of my/Augustus’ life.

DON’T STOP!!!

I do fear posting that last paragraph. I fear because I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you to keep reaching out and sharing your little ones’ milestones and achievements with me. I need them. I need you. I need you to keep me connected; to keep reaching out; to keep inviting me. I need you to help me stay out of Those Dark & Scary Places. Keep asking me questions! The only way to help spread awareness and acceptance is to answer questions. I want to answer anything you want to know about things personally or in general. Ask! Ask away. Nothing is off limits, except not accepting my answer. (Ha, but seriously…)

I share what’s hard in hopes that it will help you to understand why it might take me a few days to respond to that text or why I may choose not to attend an event, why I may seem distant. I’m trying. I really am. Adding to the mental confusion, overwhelm, and sting is the fact that I’m exhausted. I’m kind of just exhausted in every way. Trust me, communication is not the only thing I’m lacking in. I’ve been wearing my husband’s socks for two days because I don’t have any clean socks. I am busy, very busy, but it’s not that I don’t have time to do laundry, it’s just that sometimes I get in the place where all I want to do is relax and try to forget for a while. This would go back to the whole going out thing. Lately, though, I find myself trying to lose myself in a good book. I think that’s okay, although I know I’d be better off getting lost in THE Good Book.

Asking for Help

I know a lot of times people wonder why I don’t ask for help. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a very independent and prideful person. That’s still true, but I very quickly realized with life as it is currently, I have to overcome all that and ask for help, and I do. At the same time, it’s hard to ask for help because I don’t really know what I need help with because I don’t really even know what I’m doing. Does that even make sense? It does to me, but I would totally get it if it didn’t to you. Ha.

Why I Share

I kind of hit on this before, but I want to make it crystal clear that the reason I share is to HELP and to raise AWARENESS and ACCEPTANCE. I am not looking for pity or for you to feel sorry for me. We all live differently and are dealt different hands. The more we can all accept and advocate for one another the happier we will all be. All anyone wants is to be loved and accepted for who they are.

In Conclusion…

I still love you. I still cherish and appreciate our relationship. I need you to keep me present and reach out. That’s how you can help if you’d like to.

xoxo, 

– AMom’sFaithUnbroken

PS There will be a Gus update to come. We are in the middle of a lot of things right now, and redoing our IFSP and starting some new therapy. I’ll share all of the details at a later date once we get it all figured out.

Low-Key Ghosting

Faith Unbroken

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog.

Why Blog?

It’s an outlet for me to share my story, my journey, and my faith as I navigate through this beautifully painful and wonderfully difficult thing we call life. It’s also a way for me to reach out to like-minded individuals. A way for me to raise awareness. A way for me to cope.

Faith Unbroken?

Yep. Faith unbroken. No matter what life throws at me I will not lose my faith. I can’t. I won’t.

About Me

I am looking thirty right in the face, and I’m scared. I live in a very small town. I am married to my high school sweetheart who has been by my side unconditionally for almost 15 years (Whoa! I just realized, that’s half of my lifetime!) and legally married to me for 8 years. I am sarcastic, witty, and religious. I can get along with anyone from any walk of life. I struggle to ask for help. I seem to think I need to do everything on my own. I tend to get obsessive about organization and cleanliness when something is on my mind or when I’m stressed out. I have been exhausting myself on my days off cleaning and organizing my house. There are worse things, right? I’m a lover of music, makeup, reading, words, writing, and grammar. I am a proud mother of 2 children, a 3-year-old girl, and a 2-year-old boy. I struggled with infertility related to my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and used fertility treatments to conceive the first time. The second was a big and quick surprise that came just 14 months after the first. Motherhood was/is my dream and now a dream come true. I was fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom for a while and now work part time as a bartender, which I did in the past before having children. I also sell makeup as a side-gig. I am a great listener and can understand babbling people and small children better than most, which I attribute to my past in the field of medical transcription (7 years). I am wordy, especially when writing/typing, and can get a bit obsessive about things. My latest obsession has been gut health and the brain gut axis and learning all I can about ASD (autism spectrum disorder). There’s a lot more to me, but I’ll keep it at this for now.

What to Expect

I plan to share a lot about my life as a “seasonally single mom” (only kind of) of a willful, talkative, sweet, and smart 3-year-old little girl, and a fearless, wild, snuggly, and so far non-verbal developmentally delayed 2-year-old little (big) boy; and wife of a workaholic, insanely busy, hardworking, loving, hunting obsessed, and stubborn husband. I want to raise awareness and share my journey to getting my son diagnosed and getting him help in living his best life with his disabilities. I want to share how my faith has been tested in that journey and journeys before. I want to share how these journeys effect my family and relationships .I want to talk about my fears, my hopes, my dreams. I want to help. I want to share. I want support. I want to support.

– A Mom’s Faith Unbroken