I’m Sick of Giving In

As I sit here, in the waiting room of a therapy facility, as the rain is pouring down, while my son is working hard to learn to talk, walk, eat, and socialize like the rest of us, while my daughter is at daycare because I don’t want her to spend her days in a waiting room, I’m nearly in tears. I’m fed up. I’m frustrated. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling defeated. Boohoo, poor me, huh?

Wear a mask! Wait, don’t wear a mask. No, wait, do wear a mask!

Don’t you dare worship with others.

No more going into the grocery store. Wait, now you can go to the grocery store, but don’t bring your kids.

This has all been going on for months , but now you better be wearing a mask when you enter this establishment, but only starting on this specific date.

School will be in session, but you better not even set foot in the building. No, not even on the first day! No, not even if your child is starting kindergarten; her very first day of school.

No, students don’t have to wear masks, but we will try to social distance.

Sports? Oh yes, of course sports! You can still come watch, even; just social distance yourselves.

Here are the numbers and statistics! Oh, but wait, those aren’t right…

If you die, you had COVID19.

Facts don’t matter.

Numbers are skewed.

I’m so tired. So tired of having that feeling in my gut, when something feels wrong/off. The anxiety and shame I feel when I feel like I am not standing up for myself.

Am I scared? Yep. I’m scared to stand up for myself and jeopardize my children’s ability to receive the care they need. The constant turmoil and sick I feel inside sometimes becomes unbearable.

I do feel bad for those in the position of making the big decisions that affect everyone. They will never be able to make everyone happy.

I am fully aware that it could be worse. But I am damn sure it could be a hell of a lot better, too. 

Maybe it all seems petty to you, but all of these small things add up, and add up quickly.

I just want to walk my daughter into her classroom on her first day of school. Not for me, for HER. She will never get that moment back.

I want to be present, as I see fit, inside the institution responsible for my child for the majority of the day.

I want to be present as my nonverbal autistic son receives therapy and gets to know his future teachers.

I’m their parent.

I know we are in unprecedented times, but these kinds of things just seem like something I shouldn’t have to fight for; especially if masks and social distancing work.

I’m sick of giving in to make everyone else feel comfortable. My feelings and beliefs matter, too, as well as others that think and feel the same way I do.

Is it so much to want facts? To live MY life as I see fit? I absolutely do not want to do any harm unto others, but I feel things have gotten so one-sided.

I am not selfish because we don’t see things the same.


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